Ugly crying. You’re brutally hungover or you’ve just watched a film about a dog where it dies at the end. Where orifices stream and swell and you end up looking like a rabbit with mixamatosis. It’s gay abandonment tears of the highest order where you are unable to exercise any restraint. You look terrible while you’re doing it and will need a lie down afterwards.
If you’re on an insomnia rollover or your ex-boyfriend just started going out with someone who wasn’t born when Scott and Charlene got married on Neighbours, the cleansing cry is usually the least expected one. The woman at the supermarket check-out looks at you too kindly and the next thing is, you’re bawling before you’ve even realised what’s happening.
The most glamorous of the crying experiences. Tears slip silently down as you control all other signs of emotion. This is Tony award-winning crying. Dignified and full of grace. Perhaps someone is telling you the story of how they beat a life-threatening illness and so you’re crying, but not taking it away from them by making it about you and your crying. Mature and sensitive crying.
Not fake crying (wow, who ARE you?) but ‘I know this will make me cry and I’m kind of in the mood for that’ crying. Low-level masochistic, this is watch Steel Magnolias / Baz Lurhman’s Romeo + Juliet / Philomena crying where you know exactly what you’re doing and only have yourself to blame. The mixing your cocktails and not drinking any water of crying.
Mood swing crying
The one where you’re crying because you’re upset and then someone says something funny and the sobs turn to laughter and you’re thinking, “I have no knowledge or power over my own emotions, what the hell just happened there?” The ‘this too will pass’ cry.
The Ant & Dec of crying. Lovely.