cuntstagram, instagram, brag, holiday, vacation, envy

How to be a dick on Instagram when you go on holiday

  1. Plenty of clear blue-sky shots please. Anything that suggests heat and good weather. Remember, it’s probably raining at home. You need to maximise the difference.
    Caption options: ‘Oh God, not another dull day’ / ‘It’s freezing here #30degrees’ / ‘Does that look like rain to you?’
  2. You’ve gone to an empty beach with perfect sand and crystal clear turquoise water. It looks like a postcard. Whack a filter on that and it’ll look like a CGI special effect. Even natural beauty can be given a leg-up.
    Caption options: ‘Missing you all’ / ‘What a dump’ / ‘Not another perfect beach #bored’ / ‘Died and gone to heaven’ / ‘Never coming home’ / ‘I just saw a mermaid!’
  3. Now we need to see you on the beach in your hot bikini. Preferably lying down so your stomach looks misleadingly flat. Or a nice boob shot where you look tanned.
    Caption options: ‘Exhausting day in paradise’ / ‘Might have a little sleep now. How’s your day going?’ / ‘Not another cocktail’ / ‘Beach life #Grateful’
  4. Beach action shot – you jumping in the surf looking incredibly energetic and cheerful.
    Caption options: ‘Trying to enjoy myself’ / ‘Deeply hungover’ / ‘#SoTired’ / ‘What’s happening on EastEnders?
  5. If you go on a boat, get arty. Windswept photos of you screaming as you bounce along the waves are funny but not flattering. Remember, you want to annoy people. Pedicured feet resting on the side of the boat with the sky and sea behind is more like it. Apart from anything, it suggests you’re lying down again for your third sleep of the day (heh heh heh).
    Caption options: ‘Exhausting day on the boat’ / ‘Missing the Central Line right now’ / ‘#Blessed’ / ‘Might have another beer….’ / ‘#SeaLife’
  6. Multiple food shots. This will remind everyone that you haven’t cooked any of this yourself, someone has done it for you and you are slowly turning into a spoilt princess / food bore.
    Caption options: ‘Urrgh’ / ‘Not more fresh seafood’ / ‘Honestly, if another person hands me a perfectly grilled lobster….’ / ‘#BestIEverHad’ / ‘#LifeChanging’ / ‘Have put on at least a stone’.
  7. Sunsets! Filter the life out of them!
    Caption options: ‘#NoFilter’ / ‘#Blessed’ / ‘The sun goes down on another perfect day’ / ‘Just did an incredible meditation’ / ‘#DiedAndGoneToHeaven’
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