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Dear dick pic…

“No disrespect to all you penises out there,” is probably how we ought to open this conversation. You very much have a role in our lives. You are important and capable of bringing much joy and entertainment. You can be funny, you can be clever, you can be flattering – in fact, if your conversation were better, you could sort of be like an ideal man in some ways, which is confusing. But – and don’t take this the wrong way – aesthetically you are *looks at the ceiling and not at you* challenging. Not when you’re attached to your owner if that owner is someone one is keen on – but by yourself. In a dick pic. Which is basically like a passport photo. And that passport photo has somehow ended up on my phone and I’m supposed to feel pleased about it. Or, even more unlikely, aroused. This is separate to you being arousing as an entity – you are, don’t get paranoid – and of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just when you pop up on my iPhone screen, straining and eager in a non-contextualised environment, you fall short of your goals. The picture becomes about something else – your shape, your proportions, your… colour. It’s all a bit silly. Or a bit aggressive. A bit gratuitous. Sorry. And your purpose gets lost, which is a shame. You are either mildly horrifying or deeply hilarious. And this is even before we’ve got to the whole testicle situation, which does not improve things, sadly.

Don’t be disheartened. You still have many strengths. It’s just you’re not a lead singer. You should not attempt a career on your own. No solo albums, please. You need a band, an entourage, a support system i.e. a man to be stuck to and to be with you at all times. Who we can see. Remember. You are loved and respected. Most of the time. Now, make yourself useful and become a bit camera shy. We’d appreciate it.

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