Me: Please God let no one ask me anything.
Also me: If I reach for that croissant within the first five minutes of this meeting starting, will I look greedy?
Me: If anyone asks me anything, I’m going to set the fire alarm off.
Also me: Wait, is that a pain au chocolat?
Also me: FFS, will someone just take a croissant so I can?
Me: Who is Peter in accounts anyway???
Also me: I’ve had my soul hijacked by a French pastry.
Me: Why have my emails already gone up by 25? I’ve only been in here for twelve seconds.
Also me: No, don’t go for the chocolate one, go for the plain one, it looks more restrained.
Me: Why am I being copied on things I have nothing to do with??
Also me: Practically healthy to have the non-choc.
Me: Should never have opened these stupid emails. I hate my phone.
Also me: Who is the bastard who buys pain au chocolat anyway?
Me: If I ever lost my phone, I would probably cease to exist in any form.
Also me: Thinking about it, they don’t have that much chocolate in them anyway. Really stingy, actually. The French are unbelievable.
Me: Just going to quickly check Instagram as this bit is irrelevant to me. I LOVE MY PHONE.
Also me: If I eat it and then don’t have lunch, then it’s fine.
Me: Wait, when did she go to Mexico? How many holidays can one person have in a year?
Also me: Or a salad for lunch. Just no bread.
Me: Er, hello, that’s the dress I wanted from Matches.
Also me: OK, I could have a sandwich, as long as it’s, like, gluten-free seed spelt bread.
Me: How can she afford that dress? She’s a freelance FFS.
Also me: YES, bitches – someone has taken the croissant, I’M LEGIT GOING IN FOR THE CHOC.
Me: I wish I were a freelance. They just sit around all day looking at Facebook and taking naps.
Also me: OK, don’t just leave it on the plate. I can’t start eating mine until you start eating yours.
Me: Maybe starting my own business was a mistake.
Also me: Stop fingering it. I AM DYING HERE.
Me: I can’t believe all these people work for me. I still mime in the mirror to Salt ‘n’ Peppa songs and pretend I’m in a music video.
Also me: Whoever he is, he is fired. I am starving to death.
Me: This must be what it feels like to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel…
Also me: And as I take a bite, I’m asked a question. Thank you, forces of evil.