Me: I love it when someone else drives. So relaxing.
Also me: Am I literally the only good driver in the whole of the UK?
Me: I can relax. Let someone else take the stress.
Also me: ARE YOU SLOWLY DYING AT THE WHEEL? HURRY UP.
Me: Gosh, that cyclist came out of nowhere.
Also me: Mow the bastard down.
Me: Other drivers should be more aware of him.
Also me: How could they not be in those cycling shorts, bloody hell!
Me: I am enjoying Gardener’s Question Time on Radio 4.
Also me: I wonder if I can secretly Bluetooth the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman into the stereo system?
Me: Ummm, I don’t actually have a garden…
Also me: Is it bad form to change the music if you’re not the driver?
Me: I think that might be our turning…
Also me: *slams foot down on imaginary brake*
Me: It’s fine, we can take another route.
Also me: *screams inside*
Me: 20mph zone. At least I can stare at the houses.
Also me: We would have to be dead to be moving slower than this.
Me: Oh look, that person in front is parking suddenly.
Also me: *grabs car door handle with accompanying sharp intake of breath*
Me: So how are you finding driving a hybrid?
Also me: Is it weird if I open the glove compartment to look for sweets?
Me: Yes, I think they are the future.
Also me: This Werther’s Original is older than Dr Legg on EastEnders.
Me: You’re right, the environment is everybody’s problem.
Also me: Oh, there’s only one. So this is awkward.
Me: I mean, the traffic is always terrible along here, isn’t it.
Also me: How do I slip it into my mouth without being obvious?
Me: You might want to take the second exit, actually.
Also me: *coughs loudly while unwrapping quickly*
Me: And then turn left – I know a good rat-run.
Also me: *pretends to stifle yawn, shoves ancient Werther’s in mouth*
Me: Just a cough sweet.
Also me: Can I get away with a micro nap?