ab fab, absolutely fabulous, jennifer saunders, edina, gym, workout, conversations with yourself, monologue, gym talk

Conversations you have with yourself: In the gym

Me: Good to be here.

Also me: What in the bastard hell am I doing here?

Me: Good to be looking after myself.

Also me: I want a big drink.

Me: Gonna warm up first…

Also me: I have no idea how to work this…

Me: Look at me, I’m jogging!

Also me: I’m going to be sick.

Me: Wow, I managed five minutes – I’m fitter than I thought.

Also me: Someone call an ambulance.

Me: OK, what next?

Also me: I need to lie down.

Me: The cross-trainer…

Also me: No idea which one that is.

Me: To work on my…glutes.

Also me: The only muscle group I can remember the name of.

Me: The setting the trainer suggested is much too high.

Also me: Get me off. GET ME OFF.

Me: I need something to work towards, surely?

Also me: Like my own death.

Me: Good to get a sweat going

Also me: Oh God, am I ugly-sweating?

Me: Feels like something is happening.

Also me: Is my face angry-red?

Me: Buns of steel, buns of steel.

Also me: I can’t even see my own arse – why am I doing this??

Me: Going to do the pulling thing with weights now.

Also me: I want a cheeseburger and a nap.

Me: Strong arms like Madonna.

Also me: To push away all those 22-year olds who want to go out with me.

Me: OK, this is…

Also me: Boring/horrendous/pointless/evil

Me: …quite hard work.

Also me: Now can’t feel my hands.

Me: Right. Abs.

Also me: (laughing) I mean, what abs?

Me: Core strength is everything.

Also me: Core strength is Spanx.

Me: Feeling strong.

Also me: These are the never-before-seen-deep-sea-fish in Blue Planet II of muscles.

Me: Keep going…

Also me: These muscles don’t have names.

Me: Tired, but good.

Also me: No pulse. Dead.

Me: Stretch…

Also me: Stretcher.

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