Me: This top is nice.
Also me: Like its twelve identical twins in your wardrobe at home...
Me: The thing is, I really need something like this.
Also me: You have a black top disease. You are addicted to black tops.
Me: What colour is this? Slate or something?
Also me: It’s an illness.
Me: Dark pewter?
Also me: No, it’s still black.
Me: Gun metal grey?
Also me: Know thyself.
Me: It makes me look so thin.
Also me: Apart from the body-builder arms.
Me: And sophisticated.
Also me: As in seven thousand years old.
Me: I really want it.
Also me: You just want to buy something.
Also me: No, you look worse.
Me: Sorry, but my arse is smaller than that.
Also me: It’s literally the Titanic.
Me: Oh God, the back fat…
Also me: …has nothing on the cellulite.
Me: OK, so I’d be prepared to spend £60 on it.
Also me: £80.
Me: Time to look at the label – Christ, it’s £149???
Also me: Definitely getting it.
Me: This is insane, I can’t even afford to get the car serviced.
Also me: You can, you just don’t want to spend money on that because it’s boring.
Me: That’s it, I’m taking it off and leaving it.
Also me: Wait, what did it look like again? Put it back on.
Me: I can’t decide…. I’ll take some photos of myself in it to text to my sister.
Also me: Still can’t take responsibility for your choices. Sad.
Me: Oh. She thinks I shouldn’t get it.
Also me: IRRELEVANT.
Me: It’ll be so useful.
Also me: You’ll wear it once.
Also me: EVERYTHING GOES WITH JEANS.
Me: It’s smart, but also sexy.
Also me: Trashy neckline. Nipples are fully visible.
Me: Good for work.
Also me: Are you DRUNK?
Me: OK, it’s definitely… a no.
Also me: Wait, NO, you have to get it.
Me: Credit card?
Also me: Oh, OK – I didn’t realise we’d be fake paying for it, you should have said.
Me: Monopoly money!
Also me: Get something else to wear with it. What about trying on some black trouser that are like your other black trousers?
Me: I really need some black trousers, actually.