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Can coffee ever be caffeinated enough?

We’ve got a recipe for you. Yes, a recipe. Not for a meatloaf. Or a pudding. Or a hearty Autumnal stew now that the nights are drawing in. Oh no. There are plenty of places you can go to find those. Today’s recipe here on The Midult is for Ass-Kicker Coffee; the latest cocktail to have come out of Australia. And it’s going to be golden for you if you are finding that your coffee just isn’t damn caffeinated enough.

Ass-Kicker Coffee was brewed by a barista for an A&E nurse who was thrilled with its effect: she drank it over two days and stayed up for three. It contains 5g of caffeine (half that amount could easily hospitalise a person) and, to put that in context, your common garden espresso will deliver about 50 milligrams.

Now, because Ass-Kicker Coffee is a delicacy, it comes with rules. Rituals. Like caviar, which is supposedly meant to be eaten off the flesh on the back of your hand. Or oysters and all the gubbins that goes with them. And the eternal and eternally boring scone debate: Which goes on first, jam or cream? Who cares? The rules for kick-ass coffee are different: Do not drink it in one go because it might kill you. Just sip, sip, sip over a few days. That is the bad news. The great news is that you can brew it yourself, at home, if you are insane enough:

  • Four shots of espresso
  • Four ice cubes made from two-day cold drip coffee.
  • Four ounces of 10-day cold brew coffee.
  • Four more cold brew coffee ice cubes

Also don’t make this. And if you do, don’t drink it. And if you do drink it, sip it slowly. Or in fact, just don’t make it.

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