“That’s pathetic. It’s too early to leave. You’re such a bore. You always do this,” said one friend as I gathered up my bag and phone to slink away from a party at 10:30 because I’m perma-knackered and it was a bit dull and certainly not worth a hangover. It exponentially speeded up my exit. Just as a gym instructor saying “You can do better than that. Come on!” will make me stop. Just stop. Cease. Desist.
Because I am absolutely all carrot and no stick. Do not threaten the stick, wave the stick or even make me aware that the stick is any kind of option. It. Will. Not. Work. Stick is bullying. Outdated, army, brainwash-y abuse.
Here’s what my clever friend says when I gather up my bag and phone and prepare myself for the mini-Midult-creep-of-shame at 10:30: “Oh, it won’t be the same without you. It won’t be fun. You make everything more fun [BLATANT LIE]. Just five minutes. Please, please, please.” And I blush with pleasure – every single time – and sit back down. She abuses this carroty stuff, this cunning friend. But it never gets old. Being told you are brilliant by someone who sees some brilliance in you is the ultimate motivator. Treating people well makes them effective. Loving children makes them functional. Encouraging employees makes them productive which is perhaps why companies with women sitting on the board perform better for their shareholders. Beasting and negging and shaming and not giving pay rises? Good luck with that.