homer and marge simpson, the simpsons, break expectations, mini break, sunbathing, holiday, vacation, loungers, cocktails

Break Expectations: The Spark

You say: “Let’s go away! On a mini-break. You and me.”

You mean: “We’ve not had sex in a year, and if we don’t do it soon you’ll leave me.”

 

He says (too brightly): “Oh! Amazing! Great idea.”

He means: “Oh FFS. Why can’t we just shag on the sofa after a takeaway like we used to? And you’ll want somewhere posh, won’t you?”

 

You say: “Just a night. It doesn’t have to be posh. How about that hotel that Steven was telling us about? Country walks, fireplaces – it sounded lovely.”

You mean: “Don’t I deserve posh?  And I’ve suggested it because then you can’t moan that it’s too expensive because that would make you look like a tight-arse compared to him. He’s also, better looking. He used to fancy me. I’m an idiot.”

 

He says: “Or we could go to that youth hostel in the Lakes that I had my stag do at?”

He means: “Steven’s place will be expensive and pretentious, just like him, the prick. I know you’ve always fancied him, by the way, so I’m going to make an inappropriate joke about my stag party. 

 

You say: …

You mean: “He’s joking. Oh God, is he joking? He must be joking. What if he’s not joking? He’d better be joking.”

 

He says: “JOKE. There was that nice B&B that Sally in the office was telling me about, do you remember I mentioned it? Shall I look into it?

He means: “Ha! But it DOES need to be posh, otherwise you’ll moan. Sally has great tits.”

 

You say: “I think I’d prefer Steven’s place.”

You mean: “Wow. I can’t believe it took a full TWO MINUTES before you brought up Sally. It’s like you’re OBSESSED. Stupid Sally and her stupid amazing hair. I’m going to store this away and bring it up next time we have an argument.”

 

He says: “Cool, I’ll book it. But when can we go?”

He means: “Oh God, why did I mention Sally? You always think I fancy her, which I really don’t because she’s no looker (apart from the tits) and has weird hair. You’re going to store this away and bring it up next time we have an argument, aren’t you? OK, FINE.”

 

You say: “Oh, well… not this month… Lottie’s school play… no childcare… Mum’s birthday… OK, end of the year?”

You mean: “This is such a hassle. And we’ll have to get my mum to take the kids, and blimey, when did I last have a Brazilian and I’ll need a haircut – I look like Shrek in a wig. Unlike SALLY and her HAIR.”

 

He says: “Shall I set up a Doodle poll – you call your parents and we can all coordinate?’

He means: “At least I get to use Doodle Poll, which is fun and online which means it’s almost like gaming. Isn’t it? ”

 

You say: “Yes, OK!”

You mean: “I don’t know what a Doodle Poll is you new-gem dickhead. But if I say that we’ll have a massive row and I’ll be forced to bring up Sally. Why can’t we just shag on the sofa after a takeaway like we used to?”

 

He says: “Amazing!”

He means: “All I want is to shag on the sofa after a takeaway like we used to.”

By Francisca Kellett, Travel editor at Tatler

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