miss piggy, sleeping, bedtime, bedtime routine, eye mask, insomnia

Bedtime business

Bedtime does not necessarily go in a straight line. The moment you slide between the sheets something strikes you as unavoidably urgent and you feel compelled to…

  1. Realise that you haven’t washed your hair for three days. Is that too long? You have a meeting at 8:30 am. Plus you’ve run out of dry shampoo.
  2. Go to put dry shampoo on the grocery order. Realise you’ve left your phone in the other room as part of a sleep hygiene programme that isn’t working. You’ve missed the deadline for the order. Put a reminder on your phone to buy dry shampoo on way to work.
  3. Lay out work outfit. Might as well. You are now ahead of self. High five.
  4. Check for stains on shirt. Sniff shirt’s armpits. Hmmm.
  5. Put phone back in other room. It needs to be charged. But charger is by bed from before you started the sleep hygiene programme. Go get charger.
  6. Should you order another charger? How many chargers is too many chargers?
  7. Go for just in case pee.
  8. Is everything off/locked?
  9. Go round home death-proofing everything. Still feel residual death/burglar paranoia.
  10. Hang up towels. Sniff towels. Sniff flannel. Sniff self. Feel slight sense of shame.
  11. Do 20 seconds of pelvic floor exercises.
  12. Shit! Eye cream!
  13. While you are in the bathroom, apply some fake tan. Might as well.
  14. Also need to feel breasts. Gets phone to Google how to check breasts. (www.breastcancercare.org.uk/information-support/have-i-got-breast-cancer/checking-your-breasts)
  15. Back into bed. Accidentally rub heel against other foot. Nearly lacerate self as it’s been *a while* since a pedicure. Find some foot cream and socks. Apply.
  16. Go for just in case pee.
  17. Worry about fake tan on pillow for a bit. Try to fall asleep on back.
  18. But did you blow out that candle?
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