will ferrell, anchorman, alternative facts, lies, midult, in denial, what you don't know can't hurt you, fake news, untrue news

Alternative facts for Midults

For when the truth is inconvenient…

  1. He is, in fact, trapped under something heavy. That is why he hasn’t called or texted. Trapped. Possibly underground.
  2. Just as chewing gum gets your digestive juices flowing, thinking about exercise activates the muscles and ignites the metabolism. If you think about exercise twice a day for ten days, you will begin to see noticeable results in tone with weight loss of up to 2kg a week. Obviously, as you get fitter, you will need to think about exercise with increasing intensity so that you don’t plateau.
  3. Everything is secretly being printed in a smaller font to save money. I can see fine. I wear contact lenses for heaven’s sake.
  4. Pizza is a salad.
  5. Yoga leggings have a powerful subliminal effect on the male libido. So sexually threatened are they in the face of a woman over 35 wearing a well-loved yoga legging, that they feel the need to protest too much about their undesirability. Do not be fooled. 65% percent of the time they work every time.
  6. Extreme stress keeps you young. Remember what it was like being a teenager and you were “like so totally stressed out about exams and boys and the animals and shit”? How young did you look then?
  7. No one saw you parking. No one laughed.
  8. Drinking this herbal tea will not only be a sensible substitute for caffeine, but it will also make you calmer and more able to deal with all the things that are coming your way like not having filed your tax return yet. No need to panic or worry about anything: Your tea has this.
  9. Taking this Uber is as cheap as public transport. Possibly cheaper.
  10. You are not going grey. That’s just a bit of blonde. You are a late blooming blonde. This is a thing.
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