marie antoinette, kirsten dunst, spendaholic, spend money

All the things I’ve spent my money on

Do you ever look back and think… all this money we’ve earned. What have we got to show for it? WHAT HAVE WE SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON? Here’s a broad-brushstrokes breakdown.

10% on mini breaks with depressing boyfriends that we thought might be the one

Up and down the country staying in “quirky” B&B’s. Trips to not-quite-Paris Continental cities like Valencia or Lilles. We paid for this pain? In some ways we still are paying…

10% on therapy

It is worth it – isn’t it? Because before that we were held together by bread, bits of self-help that we read in magazines, Spanx and the occasional yoga class/Xanax.

15% on the hunt for the perfect capsule wardrobe

Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is £70 too much for a white t-shirt? Will these black trousers work with everything forever? I hate them but will they? That white shirt, the one that gapes across the boobs, is that the one? God that coat is depressing. I have to have it.

5% on shoes that don’t quite fit

We thought maybe it didn’t matter that we couldn’t feel our toes. Or that eventually the blisters would heal and our feet would win.

35% on pointless patching of leaks, walls, random holes in our home

Because we can’t afford to do the extension that needs doing. Maybe this nice vase will hide the damp? Maybe this witty poster will disguise the horror of the back of the house falling off. “Rotten!” the man keeps saying while poking at the walls/roof/floor with a screwdriver. “Rotten!” Oh how I hate the man.

13% on taxis

Ubers. Addison Lees, black cabs, dodgy mini cabs, New York taxis, tuk-tuks. We have paid a heavy taxi tax.

645% on highlights

Also low-lights, and then fringes, and layers and then balayage and repairing shampoos, and root concealer, blow dries. And avoiding head massages. Extensions for the thinning. The thinning. The thinning… (that’s how you type an echo…)

10.5% on phone bills

Rewind to the day when you made all those phone calls. Now it’s data, data, all that data. All those texted charity donations because otherwise you feel too guilty turning off Children in Need to hate-watch Nashville instead. The awful French holiday where you accidentally spent £2k while roaming.

7% on athleisurewear

That has never seen the inside of a gym/yoga studio.

1% on dry cleaning

Because ironing.

13% on food fads

We have fallen for EVERYTHING. Quick cook books, machines that turn frozen fruit into velvety yoghurty deliciousness (current obsession), seeds all the seeds, especially the chia ones that are the price of black gold and spend an eternity in our front teeth and taste like frogspawn. Huge machines that will turn anything into a nutritious broth. Food boxes. Supplements. Sachets. We could go on but we need to go and sieve some ginger water and raw honey which, by the way, costs A MILLION POUNDS.

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