Do you ever look back and think… all this money we’ve earned. What have we got to show for it? WHAT HAVE WE SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON? Here’s a broad-brushstrokes breakdown.
10% on mini breaks with depressing boyfriends that we thought might be the one
10% on therapy
15% on the hunt for the perfect capsule wardrobe
Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is this the perfect white t-shirt? Is £70 too much for a white t-shirt? Will these black trousers work with everything forever? I hate them but will they? That white shirt, the one that gapes across the boobs, is that the one? God that coat is depressing. I have to have it.
5% on shoes that don’t quite fit
We thought maybe it didn’t matter that we couldn’t feel our toes. Or that eventually the blisters would heal and our feet would win.
35% on pointless patching of leaks, walls, random holes in our home
Because we can’t afford to do the extension that needs doing. Maybe this nice vase will hide the damp? Maybe this witty poster will disguise the horror of the back of the house falling off. “Rotten!” the man keeps saying while poking at the walls/roof/floor with a screwdriver. “Rotten!” Oh how I hate the man.
13% on taxis
Ubers. Addison Lees, black cabs, dodgy mini cabs, New York taxis, tuk-tuks. We have paid a heavy taxi tax.
645% on highlights
Also low-lights, and then fringes, and layers and then balayage and repairing shampoos, and root concealer, blow dries. And avoiding head massages. Extensions for the thinning. The thinning. The thinning… (that’s how you type an echo…)
10.5% on phone bills
Rewind to the day when you made all those phone calls. Now it’s data, data, all that data. All those texted charity donations because otherwise you feel too guilty turning off Children in Need to hate-watch Nashville instead. The awful French holiday where you accidentally spent £2k while roaming.
7% on athleisurewear
1% on dry cleaning
13% on food fads
We have fallen for EVERYTHING. Quick cook books, machines that turn frozen fruit into velvety yoghurty deliciousness (current obsession), seeds all the seeds, especially the chia ones that are the price of black gold and spend an eternity in our front teeth and taste like frogspawn. Huge machines that will turn anything into a nutritious broth. Food boxes. Supplements. Sachets. We could go on but we need to go and sieve some ginger water and raw honey which, by the way, costs A MILLION POUNDS.