The cold sweats hangover
When you wake up shivering like you were a baby that has been left exposed on a mountainside and then realise you have lost your body heat through unstoppable sweating that has now saturated your sheets and has turned cold, making you damp and freezing. The last thing you can remember from last night is getting into a cupboard with someone and starting to swap clothes. Presumably that’s why you’re wearing a man-sized hoodie and some boxer shorts…
The paranoid hangover
Holy Christ. What did you say last night? Did you tell anyone about your best friend’s husband coming onto you that time? Did you tell them about what a bitch you think your sister is? Did you tell that story about shagging two different men in a twenty-four hour period? Or when you did coke with that guy from Hollyoaks who you then snogged because you thought he was actually someone else? Was everyone laughing at you? Are they all now slagging you off this morning? Why have you got such a big mouth? Why are you so indiscreet and untrustworthy????? NEVER, EVER GO OUT AND MIX WITH OTHER HUMANS AGAIN.
The exhausted but can’t sleep hangover
You’ve gone to bed pissed but are now only sleeping in twenty-minute bursts, effectively staying awake to endure your drunkenness turning into a hangover. The cloudiness in your mind is becoming a headache. The couldn’t-give-a-fuck-about-any-of-it dismissal of life is morphing into major anxiety about how horrendous you are going to continue to feel. The haziness is turning into a hideous frustrating must sleep can’t sleep personal tantrum of self-pity. None of this is funny!!
The unquenchable hangover
Got a mouth like a hay bale. Must flush out the poison with water. Why is none of it being absorbed? Can feel organs turning to crisp packets. Brain is literally shrinking from lack of moisture. More water. Arrgh, now need to pee for the twentieth time. Why didn’t you get more coconut water?? How stupid can one person be? Does Lucozade actually work? Is now the time to start drinking Coke again?