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All the girls that we’ve been

The summertime slut

Remember that phase, you were maybe 28, and you broke up with your boyfriend and were absolutely floored with the heartbreak. Oof, even just thinking about it now hurts. And you lost so much weight, and suddenly it was summer and you went on a festival of fucks and that didn’t really help either.

The fashion phenomenon

The day you woke up and decided to be a fashion-forward sensation. It was a Tuesday. You went to Harvey Nichols and you spent 10,000 million pounds (approx.) on a cream Celine coat which you have never worn. Because it cost more than your flat and it makes you look like a fridge. Every now and then you get it out and think what might have been… It’s probably time to sell it.

The surrendered girlfriend

He was a total shit but you know maybe that was your destiny. I mean, your father was an arsehole. So yes, it was OK when he complained about the size of your bum, or didn’t speak to you for days at a time, and hated it when you had a good time at parties and/or had friends. It’s taken years and many £££ to get over the fact that you went out with him at all.

The terrible employee

The permanently-late-for-work, the booze breath, the forgetting to send faxes or not even bothering to answer the phone, let alone taking a message. The not showing up at all. And if you had to show up, you could be found having a nap under the desk, when you weren’t sending out CVs. Not forgetting the fag breaks and the loud booking of Brazilian waxes over the phone.

The shadow

The time when you were so unhappy, so in the wilderness, that you didn’t really exist.

The yogi

You had a weird gardening leave thingy for a few weeks so decided to take up yoga – you booked a class pass at a centre. Maybe it was a hot one. After the first class you were so enlightened, so in the zone, that you start googling retreats in the UK and spent a fortune at Lululemon. After the second, you decide to bypass the UK and go straight for an India swami for a more authentic experience. During the third class you hurt your knee and never went back.

The weekday binge drinker

This phase lasted 20 years and then suddenly you woke up and it was a nightmare and you had crossed the hangover Rubicon and now you can only have two units a week.

The power dresser

You got your first office job and after 3 months of earning and hanging on by the seat of your Topshop trousers you decided to be a grown-up. So you went to Joseph and bought a pinstripe suit. You still have the jacket – ¾ length, double-breasted, wide lapels, small shoulder pad. It’s surely coming back in style ANY MOMENT NOW.

The cool haircut person

You had medium length brown hair forever. Was it your hair holding you back from being the cool, relevant gal you knew you were on the inside? You went to a salon and told them to give you a ‘cool haircut‘. Your mother said, “You’re going to need to wear a lot more make-up now.” You cried for what felt like years.

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