Diets are bad. Diets make you fat, mad or a bore. Often all three. We know. We’ve been on a lot of diets. Some real, some imaginary, some accidental. We’ve lost stones and put them back on again through various nefarious methods including:
The backpack diet
The cabbage soup diet
You bought a flask in John Lewis. You stayed at your best friend’s house because you were doing this together. You boiled the cabbage and you girded your loins for the week. The weird bit of the diet when you were allowed eat half a baked potato is still the best gastronomic experience of your life.
The Atkins diet
Anna Wintour had steak for breakfast and so did you. You had bad breath, a bad attitude and bad skin. You were Anna Wintour fierce and you were so angry that you had bacon coming out of your pores. Wow that weight came back on fast.
The only eating sashimi diet
The no carbs after 10am not much besides diet
At first it was great and you had cake for breakfast – ‘look at me it’s 9am’. A stone and a half that you didn’t really need to lose just went. And then your mind went. When you went to the doctor to tell him about your anxiety attacks he was very annoyed by your eating lunacy.
You have never ever been so obsessed with food as you were on the two days a week of 500 calories. “It’s easy!” they cried. You got fat.
The broken heart diet
You didn’t mean to but you just melted. You have never looked hotter or been sadder. If you had a choice you would always be fatter and happier. The rule of thumb is that a happy balance is about a stone heavier than you were at your most miserable.