Alcohol: I don’t want to sound cocky – but it’s me.
Alcohol: I’m the thing she wants at the end of the day.
Coffee: And I’m the thing she NEEDS first thing in the morning.
Alcohol: That’s dependency, not love.
Coffee: You’re allowed to need someone, you know.
Alcohol: So unsexy.
Coffee: It’s called being in an adult relationship, actually.
Alcohol: I make her feel sexy.
Coffee: I make her feel awake. You can’t feel sexy if you’re not mentally present.
Alcohol: I make her feel relaxed.
Coffee: I make her feel competent.
Alcohol: She lets go because of me.
Coffee: (in a tiny voice) and acts like a dick.
Alcohol: What was that?
Coffee: You heard.
Alcohol: OK, so she acts like a dick – it’s funny though.
Coffee: That’s debatable.
Alcohol: She enjoys me.
Coffee: She enjoys me. And I don’t make her feel like shit afterwards.
Coffee: So do you.
Alcohol: That’s true, actually…
Coffee: Maybe we’re both a bit…
Coffee: I liked it that time you made her do the splits in the middle of her parents’ ruby wedding anniversary.
Alcohol: That was funny. And she really needed you the next day.
Alcohol: We make a good team.
Coffee: Good point well made.
Alcohol: You do make her teeth a weird colour though.
Coffee: And you make her dance badly. I should have known it wouldn’t last.
Alcohol: At least she wants to dance with me.
Coffee: The flailing arms, the swinging head, that baffling knee-jerking movement. It’s embarrassing.
Alcohol: It’s called ‘having a good time’ you moron.
Coffee: You always leave me to pick up the pieces.
Alcohol: Oh, excuse me, your royal burning martyness.
Coffee: She can’t operate heavy machinery after you!
Alcohol: I’ll get over it!