Brain: Squeak, squeak.
Me: (wakes up panicking) Oh my Christ, what the hell is that?
Brain: You. Church mouse *evil laugh*
Brain: As in ‘poor as a…’
Me: Thanks for raising this at 2.45am.
Brain: Incredible that you have been able to sleep for two hours when you HAVE NO MONEY.
Me: Right, we’re not doing this now.
Brain: Literally the most casual person I have ever met.
Me: Actually that’s –
Brain: ‘Got no money AT ALL, but that can wait until morning.’ You’re hilarious.
Me: Bit over the top, isn’t it?
Brain: Is it, though? Should the bankrupt be allowed to sleep?
Me: Look, hang on, I’m not –
Brain: How are you going to pay the mortgage?
Me: With the money that I am earning. That I will be earning. Soon.
Me: What do you want from me???
Brain: A cardboard box for a start – for us both to live in when we lose EVERTHING.
Me: That won’t happen….Will it?
Brain: Don’t expect to ever go on holiday again. Or buy any new clothes. Or food. And when was your car last serviced?
Me: I don’t know.
Brain: Of course you don’t. It’s probably dangerous to drive by now. All because you can’t pay for the most basic safety checks.
Me: I’ll walk everywhere!
Brain: Won’t be able to afford the shoes, don’t bother.
Me: Think about something else, think about something else.
Brain: I know, pensions!