Me: I’m awake.
Brain: No, you’re asleep.
Me: Am I?
Brain: I don’t know, are you?
Me: Who is this talking?
Brain: I don’t know, I’m so tired, I don’t know anything anymore.
Me: What time is it?
Brain: Who knows?
Me: Should I get up?
Brain: I mean no.
Brain: Make a decision!
Me: Why are you shouting at me?
Brain: Because I don’t know who I am!
Me: Well, neither do I.
Brain: You did this to us.
Me: I did?
Brain: You and your stupid long haul flights.
Brain: What’s wrong with France anyway?
Brain: Think, next time.
Me: That Caribbean beach was so nice though.
Brain: No one cares about that beach at 4am, OK.
Me: But –
Brain: Stop talking immediately.
Me: I’m not, I’m –
Brain: Chat, chat, chat all day every day. It’s relentless.
Me: Bit unfair, but…
Brain: ‘Should I do this? Should I do that?’ Blah blah boring blah.
Me: Something isn’t right here.
Brain: ‘Shall I get a Pret sandwich for lunch?’ ‘Is that pain in my elbow cancer?’
Me: No, you said that. YOU said that. This isn’t me, it’s YOU.
Brain: So what if it is?
Me: Stop taking it out on me, then.
Brain: Er, hello? This is jet lag – it’s not meant to make sense, you know.
Me: HELP ME.
Brain: OK. Let’s regroup at 10am when I’ll decide we need to go back to sleep.
Brain: Now would be a good time for you to look at Instagram.
Me: Yes, Your Royal Highness.