Brain: Whoa. I’ve just realised something terrible.
You: No, no, no. I’m asleep….What?
Brain: You’re so OLD.
You: You woke me up to say that?
Brain: Just think about that for a second. All the things you HAVEN’T done.
You: I’m going to try not to actually, because it’s 3.30am, you absolute psycho.
Brain: You don’t own this house, for example.
You: Most of Europe rents….
Brain: Not exactly married, are you?
You: What is this, the Fifties? Shut up, I’m trying to sleep.
Brain: No money.
You: I have money.
Brain: No, you don’t.
You: Compared to some people, I do.
Brain: Haven’t done your tax return yet though, have you? Because you’re scared.
You: I’m only a bit scared.
Brain: You’re so POOR.
You: My therapist says I am rich in other ways.
Brain: Omg, you wanker.
You: Takes one to know one. You’re meant to be on my side.
Brain: You need to face these things.
You: No I don’t, it’s THE MIDDLE OF THE ACTUAL NIGHT.
Brain: You might die soon, you know.
You: Given this current conversation, that might actually be welcome.
Brain: Alone. Penniless. With a beard….
You: I do NOT have a beard.
You: Fuck you.
Brain: Whatever, Grandma.
*REPEATS FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS*