audrey hepburn, roman holiday, insomnia, lying in bed, awake at night

Adventures in Insomnia: The damp patch

Brain: That damp patch on the ceiling.

Me: I know, don’t bring it up.

Brain: What if it’s still leaking?

Me: It’s not, the flat upstairs turned their water off. Stop talking.

Brain: What if they lied?

Me: They didn’t lie. I’m trying to sleep

Brain: They could have just said that to shut you up.

Me: What can I do to shut *you* up, more importantly?

Brain: I don’t know – you could die, maybe?

Me: Stop talking to me.

Brain: You should check the damp patch in case the ceiling is about to fall in.

Me: It’s 3am. I don’t need to check it, I need to sleep.

Brain: You should check it.

Me: No.

Brain: Check it.

Me: Arrrgh!

Brain: CheckCheckCheckCheck

(Gets up, checks, comes back to bed)

Brain: It looked bigger to me.

Me: It wasn’t bigger.

Brain: Yeah, it was bigger.

Me: I just checked it. You were there. We both saw it. It’s not bigger.

Brain: …………. ‘kay.

Me: Christ, is it bigger?

Brain: Don’t ask me, what do I know? You’re the expert.

(Gets up again, checks it, comes back to bed)

Me: Well, now I can’t tell if it’s bigger.

Brain: Dangerous…

Me: Maybe I should move the sofa. It’s right underneath it. What if it gets damaged?

Brain: Maybe you should move out.

Me: What?

Brain: This isn’t even your house. You’re just renting because you don’t have enough money to look after yourself and buy your own house because you are a failure who doesn’t earn enough.

Me: Whoa.

Brain: SPICEGIRLSSONGSPICEGIRLSSONGSPICEGIRLSSONG

Me: Don’t give this horror story a soundtrack!!!

Brain: ‘STOPRIGHTNOWTHANKYOUVERYMUCHINEEDSOMEBODYWITHAHUMANTOUCH.’

Me: No, YOU stop right now, brain of Satan. 

Brain: You started it.

Me: I hate you.

Brain: MORNING!

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