1. Kate Moss and Johnny Depp breaking up.
Kate on Johnny: “He told me, ‘Never complain, never explain’.” Johnny on Kate: “Man, you can’t beat that South London accent.” Why did they break up at all? What’s wrong with people? Why can’t they get back together now?
2. Robbie leaving Take That
Selfish. Try harder to get on with others.
3. Opal fruits turning into Starburst.
What the actual HELL? What was the point of that?
4. Jack dying at the end of Titanic.
Rose. There was room for two on that floating door. You knew that, he knew that, we knew that #murderer.
5. When Kurt Cobain died
Cry and cry and cry and cry (even though you found Nirvana a bit scary).
6. Doug Ross leaves ER
Just because he showed the mother of a terminally ill 11-year-old how to bypass the lockouts on the Dilaudid PCA (self-administering analgesic machine to you non semi-qualified doctors) and gave her stolen, unauthorised painkillers from a drugs trial. He is a paediatric doctor who also happens to be George Clooney and they let him resign – someone call for a psych consult!
7. Mix tapes
There are very few things more romantic than someone making you a mix tape. Making someone a playlist is not the same. It’s 1% of the work that a mixtape involves. All that spooling with a pencil when the tape got caught… the drama…
8. The final episode of Twin Peaks
That weirdness with the White Lodge and Agent Cooper seeing Bob as his reflection. It made no sense at all, which is saying something for a David Lynch show. He was toying with us and our emotional investment. Unforgivable.
9. The Big Breakfast.
Nothing interesting on TV first thing in the morning now. Who wants the Today Programme when you could be watching Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence seconds away from shagging on that massive bed?
10. Everything about Madonna’s Blond Ambition Tour
Corsets over trousers, that’ll-have-your-eye-out pointed bras masturbating on stage, Vogue, going down on a bottle of sparkling water, giving Warren Beatty hell and sticking two fingers up to notions of female sexuality and religious oppression. Life-changing.