Wait – what? Beauty disasters? What do you mean? We thought we looked good!
Kate Moss must take a lot of responsibility for this. She had super thin eyebrows so we had to have super thin eyebrows. Once they were yanked out to within an inch of their lives then they needed to be penciled back on. Frustrating how Kate Moss’s looked high fashion and ethereal and everyone else’s looked Vaudeville drag act. Anyone else find they never grew back properly either? Apart from Kate Moss, obviously?
There is something surprisingly unseductive about brown lipstick. Red is sexy. Pink is feminine. But brown? Drew Barrymore was keen on the brown lip (and the pencil eyebrows while we’re at it). Ditto Neve Campbell (remember her?). It usually wasn’t dark enough to have Goth drama like that very early Nineties trend for dark, dark blackberry red that made you look like you’d been eating raw deer when you tried to take it off– there was something too Estate Agent about it.
Pale lipstick with really dark liner (concealer)
Here is my mouth. You can see it because I have drawn a very dark border around it. Now I will colour it in with something very pale – maybe a frosted nude from Rimmel, or a clear gloss or even better, concealer. I will then reapply my dark liner. And then I will look at pictures of Posh Spice to check I’ve got it right.
Stripy bronzer cheeks
No, no, no, we don’t BLEND in the Nineties. We draw on, as you have now gathered. Bronzer was no exception. You want to make your cheeks prominent don’t you? Plus it’s bronzer, so it makes you look like you’ve got a tan, right? Wrong.
Hack your way through the jungle of vines hanging down around the face of every girl who has a ponytail in the Nineties. All the girls in Friends were big pushers of this look, waving their tendrils around as they hung around with crossed arms and made their ironic jokes. All Saints were keen on tendrils too – to moodily look through and sing about knowing where it was at etc.
Wait – Sun-in was designed to ‘bring out your natural highlights’. It was NATURAL, OK? The result was meant to be subtle, sunkissed enhanced highlights that the sun would have brought out of its own accord, had you not just given it this extra boost. Except that’s not what most Sun-in survivors would describe as they tried to take in the post-apocalyptic white out that stared back from the mirror in all its brittle, straw-like horror.