fitness swerving, excuses, sit up, trainer, meme

8 ways to swerve the sweat

It has transpired that other than golf, Donald Trump thinks exercise is ‘misguided’ arguing that, “A person is like a battery, born with an infinite amount of energy.” This and other excuses to stay on the sofa pressing the green ‘next episode’ button on your Sky box set downloads. Thanks Donald!

  1. “I can’t exercise on any days that have a ‘d’ or an ‘a’ or a ‘y’ in them because I had my chart read when I was on my gap year in the Solomon Islands and the witch doctor said it would diminish my spiritual powers if I over exerted myself physically.”
  2. “I’ve cried so much today because I just saw the episode of ER again where Dr Green dies of a brain tumour, so if I now go to the gym and sweat, I may become dehydrated to the point of actual serious danger.”
  3. Mercury is in Retrograde. I can’t risk doing anything until Saturn has moved out of my ninth house or we’ll all pay the consequences.”
  4. “What if I go for a run and I come back and I’ve missed my Ocado delivery, even though they’re not booked to come until this evening? Something might have changed without me knowing, like the Ocado delivery man now has to take his mother to hospital and hasn’t been able to communicate that to his boss because his phone ran out of battery and me not being in means he can’t break his promise not to deliver when he said he would and now his mother is DEAD and it’s my fault?”
  5. “I just painted my nails. The risk of smudging is too high and any smudging will ruin my week.”
  6. “I read somewhere that going to the gym in the evening makes you fat and I can’t go in the morning because I’m coming down off my sleeping pills when I wake up and the packet says do not operate heavy machinery when drowsy.”
  7. “The feng shui in the gym is all wrong. It’s very jarring for my chakras.”
  8. “I’m not jumping on this new yoga fad bandwagon. Oh, it’s been around for over 5,000 years? OK, I take that back – I’m not getting involved with something so unbelievably out of date.”
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