Midults have a strange relationship with the mirror. Whilst we are comfortable with who we are, we are not sure we look like who we are anymore. What the fuck is going on?
- Pulling the skin taut around the cheekbones: Gently, kindly, lifting the skin and thinking, “I wonder what it would be like if I had a face lift, or a brow lift at least, or a bit of filler but of course I wouldn’t but doesn’t that make my nose look nobler, and look at my naso-labial lines and I can’t believe I’ve said the words nasio-labial.”
- Back fat: Twisting your body round in an unbelievably unflattering way to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that you have back fat. Do I need a new bra? No bra? That’s clearly a terrible idea. What if I twist this way? Oh God I’ve got about three different rolls of back fat: muffin top back fat, waist back fat and bra back fat. Does Kate Moss have back fat? *eats 25 digestives*
- Pigmentation examination: Find worst mirror. Ramp up the strip lighting (maybe find a torch). Touch nose to glass. Allow eyes to refocus. Examine funny patches of colour that are mushrooming all over your face. Cry. Google. Put on SPF. Repeat.
- Jawline prod: Not a prod, rather just applying a little pressure to the jaw. Firm. Like when we squeeze an avocado. Checking for what exactly? Flim flam that’s what. Loss of… the will to carry on.
- Chin hair inspection: I can feel the little fucker so why can’t I see him? Chin hairs are definitely masculine. For once I’ve got tweezers to hand and I’m not just ‘worrying’ the stubble with my middle finger. But I can’t see it. Can it be blonde? Oh dear Jesus it’s grey isn’t it? A grey chin hair that evades capture.
- Flapping the bingo wings in a kind of terribly self-loathing dance: Tuck them in and press arms to side. Then flap again. Do four tricep dips and flap again to see if you have made a difference.
- Teeth check: Is there anything stuck in my teeth? There is always stuff stuck in my teeth. And why are they going so snaggly? Braces. Just on the bottom. Yes. Braces. It’s all the rage. I wonder how much they cost?