1. Anyone coming over and staying beyond 10.30pm
Don’t these people know that any kind of conversation after 10.30pm is basically them talking to a dead person i.e. you? The physical and emotional strength it takes to not slump, face first, onto the table goes beyond friendship. Just shut up and leave NOW before legal proceedings are brought against you.
2. Clothes going on sale the day after you bought something
Let’s just call this what it is: fraud. There you were, innocently drunk-shopping on Net-a-Porter at 1am, and the next thing you know, that Erdem dress you bought is now on sale. And £350 cheaper than it was five hours ago. When you bought it. This is clearly punishment for not being psychic. And that means your human rights just got violated. Someone call the police.
3. Accidental hangovers when you thought you weren’t really drinking
If you want to know the true meaning of injustice, try waking up with a hangover when you barely drank the night before. Not only did you not get to enjoy being pissed, you now know that your body is slowing down and cannot process alcohol like it used to, leading to the question: what next? Waking up wearing a sandwich board that says, ‘I might as well have been born in 1879’? Waking up to realise you died in the night because you’re so old? Saying something about Take That to a young person at a party and them not knowing what you’re on about? Ageism is a scourge on all civilised societies and we must tackle it head on.
4. Inconsiderate parking
People who park without thought to others should be removed from society. They are a menace to the rest of us who have to circle the block forever because some joker left 45% of a space at one end of the car and 55% at the other. Use your brain or go to prison.
5. The person who bit Beyonce’s face
Chrissy Teigen says she knows who bit Beyoncé. She needs to be subpoenaed.
6. Other people smoking when you have given up smoking
It’s very simple – this is a hate crime. Selfish. Thoughtless. Cruel. The perpetrator of this atrocity needs to feel the full weight of the law and get their fags out of other (possibly quite jealous) people’s faces.