milla jovovich, joan of arc, short hair, bad fringe, mistake, disaster, go wrong

Four things that could go disastrously wrong

  1. Mending the dishwasher yourself. YouTube is probably where professionals learn how to fix things anyway. It’ll save time AND the £80 call-out fee. You come at it with a screwdriver. Except what was that rolling noise? Where has that screw gone? Why won’t the inside panel fit back in place now that you’ve moved it? Why is water starting to seep out of the bottom? And hang on, moving the dishwasher has woken the dormant mouse nest behind it. Mice are now flooding in, along with gurgling waves of water. You are screaming. You’ve dropped your laptop. Get out, GET OUT!
  2. You decide to trim the front of your hair with nail scissors. It’s looking a bit wispy. You take a little bit off the right side. And then a little bit off the left. OK, now they look uneven, so you take a little bit off the right again. But that’s too much and now the left needs snipping. Suddenly you appear to have a Chrissie Hynde fringe. Snip, snip. Oh my God, now it’s a Joan of Arc fringe and your forehead is beaming at you like a search light. It looks ridiculous with your long hair. Better trim that too. Wait, how did that big clump end up in your hand? Can’t stop cutting, it has to be even. Nothing left. Now totally bald. Oh.
  3. You decide to have a drink when you get back from work. Just one. Mmm, nice. Might have a small top-up. Five minutes later, you’ve added more. And then more again. Half the bottle. The whole bottle. How did that second bottle get so empty all of a sudden? Why is the room spinning? Why can’t you stop laughing? Time to ring your sister and shout at her for no reason. Really want to go out! Feeling bold and erratic. Texting friends without realising it’s now after midnight. Time to put on some Prince very loudly and Facebook stalk your ex-boyfriend. Who the fuck is that girl in the photos? Feeling angry. Throwing phone with cross message from your neighbour asking you to turn the music down. Prince is singing Purple Rain. Feeling sad because Prince is dead. You miss your boyfriend. Crying. How did that vomit get onto your jumper? Want to sleep. The dog basket looks cosy.
  4. Just going to look up those trousers you liked online. The ones you tried on that time that were too expensive. Might be in the sale. Oh, they’re not in the sale. They’re sold out. Not that they really fitted you or looked that nice. But if you’d had slightly different legs… Might dig around a bit to see if you can find them somewhere else. Gosh, three hours seem to have passed. Must have these trousers or will die. Prepared to pay anything. Found them in Hong Kong!!!!! They’re twice the price and the delivery is more expensive than the cost of the trousers! IT DOESN’T MATTER. Borrowing money from your tax savings to pay for them. Now don’t have enough money to pay tax bill. May end up in prison.
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