miss piggy, stressed, wide eyed, surprised, tiny stress inducers

32 tiny stress inducers

  1. When your fitted sheet starts pinging off. Stop it stop it stop it. It’s 3am. I bought the ‘deep’ one. Not so deep now, hey? Not so bloody deep now…
  2. Sky TV freezing. Please God, not now. Please God not tonight of all nights. Like there’s ever a good time for this to happen.
  3. When you accidentally press caps lock on your computer. You look up at your screen and you’ve suddenly started shouting at yourself. What did I ever do to me to deserve this?
  4. When your favourite restaurant falls off Deliveroo. What? No? Wait! It was here a minute ago? I don’t understand. I’ve been craving this for at least ten minutes. I hate the universe. Oh, alright, let’s do burgers again.
  5. When you give way while driving and they don’t say thank you. What’s WRONG with people? At least 15 seconds of bad mood to follow
  6. When an acquaintance tries to start a conversation in a very small lift with a stranger present. I don’t want to talk about my weekend and you don’t care how it was. I had garlic last night, I don’t want to speak. Or breathe. Are we even moving?
  7. When Instagram says ‘couldn’t refresh feed’. Pull yourself together Instagram. Behave. You have one purpose in life. What good are you to anyone if you can’t refresh? I hate you. And DON’T blame my Wifi. That’s just cheap.
  8. Knots in chains. This will never have a happy ending. I feel a heart-attack coming even looking at this necklace tangle. Just. Gets. Tighter.
  9. When you open the dishwasher and you see it’s mid-cycle so you close it again incredibly quickly but it doesn’t make a noise for a moment and time stands still while you wait to see if everything will be alright.
  10. When the person in front of you at the supermarket checkout till doesn’t have their card ready to pay when the last item has been rung up. What? So it’s a surprise that things need paying for?
  11. When someone tells you how fruit is loaded with sugar. *&$£#@>{
  12. When you kick a loo roll across the floor by mistake and it unwinds. And then you try and wind it back up but it isn’t right. It’s never right again.
  13. The clown emoji. Where did you come from? Why are you there? What do you want from me?
  14. When talking dirty goes slightly awry and you know you are going to carry on but you’ve got to change tack. #effort
  15. White chairs and periods. It’s never happened to me. It’s never happened to anyone I know. But white chairs and periods are still very slightly stressful.
  16. ‘Printer not found’
  17. Oh God the shower is going to overflow. Can I get this stuff out of my hair before the tide rises? Can I get the hair out of the drain while I’m getting the stuff out of my hair?
  18. You’ve used 80% of your data allowance. How? What on? Instagram? Emails? What does that mean? Is my phone going to stop working? Suddenly? Out of the blue? Then what will I do? Do I need a new contract? What does it all mean? Why is nothing easy?
  19. Stranger kissing. Hang on a sec total stranger. I just stuck my arm out, like a lightning bolt, for a handshake. Why must we kiss? I don’t want to kiss. *goeslimp*
  20. Horizontal waist seam + zip. Great, so now I feel fat. And I’m sweating. This dress totally fits. Why is it booby-trapped at the back with this waist seam which is proving insurmountable for the zip. So I ask someone else to zip me. And they say, “It’ll go, it will…” in an encouraging tone. So now I feel even fatter.
  21. Rain. Hair. “It’s only a bit of weather,” they say. “You can sort your barnet out in the loo… with the hand dryer,” they say. The worst is when you’re with a new boyfriend and you have to pretend not to mind.
  22. Bread arriving on the table. Great so now I have to resist it. Oh go on then. What, no butter? Great, so now I have to ask for butter and broadcast my gluttony to the world.
  23. Auto-correct. Ducking hell.
  24. ‘Battery low’. Already? But it’s 10:53am. Do I want low power mode? I don’t know. Do I? Why isn’t it always on low power mode? Because it means I’ll get fewer notifications? Fewer pings? FINE.
  25. Here comes the sun. Roots, toenails, chin hairs, pores, teeth, leg veins, upper arms.
  26. Leaving your diary at home. But being unable to mention it (and the fact that you don’t know who you are or what your name is) because all people say is, “You still use an actual, physical diary?”
  27. The wheel of death. It just means your computer is thinking. Thinking so deeply that you will probably have to restart it and lose whatever you have been working on ALL DAY. And why is it optimistically rainbow coloured? This is not good news. It should be a throbbing skull and crossbones…
  28. Schedule. How do you pronounce it? Shhhhhh or sk? Once this crosses your mind you can never say the word again without spittily stumbling.
  29. The doorbell ringing: WHAT NOW?
  30. Being asked for an electricity meter reading. Where is the meter? Under the stairs? It has many, many long numbers on it and I can’t really see anything and SPIDER!!!!
  31. Now marinade for 24 hours’. But I did the shop at the petrol station on the way home from the tube and five people are arriving in 30 seconds and WHO ACTUALLY DOES THIS? And if they do ACTUALLY DO THIS then don’t they just forget that it’s in the fridge and rediscover it only once it’s grown legs and a soul?
  32. Frank Sinatra’s My Way: The message is so stupid.
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