- The chips conundrum. When you order chips and your dinner date says they don’t feel like chips and then they eat them all. Or they don’t eat any so you eat them all. Conversely, chips are not in your plan but someone orders chips ‘for the table’ and you think, ‘What fresh hell is this? I don’t want chips on my table/anywhere near me,’ and then you eat them all or go rigid with the effort of not eating any.
- Skiing. It just screams, ‘I am richer than you’, ‘More organised than you’, ‘Fitter, braver, more accomplished’ and with a free pass for cheese.
- Leaving voicemails. So stressful. What needs actually saying rather than typing?
- When someone presses ‘decline’ after three rings. Must they signpost the rejection? Just turn it to silent and we can continue pretending that it’s ringing and you can’t reach the phone because you are indisposed/trapped.
- Instagramming breakfast.
- The 6:30pm confirmation. You texted at 8:30am, “Are we still on for tonight?” and by 6:29pm there has been no news and mentally you are on the sofa and then a text pings, “Can’t wait!” Heads up, if it’s a date and they confirm at 6:30pm then this is not good. Not good at all.
- When someone says, “Ooh, ooh, ooh I have something to tell you” and then walks out of the room, or out of the door or out of the taxi.
- But not as annoying as someone who inhales as though they are about to launch into something spicy and then pauses and says, “Oh never mind.”
- Adults on scooters. The kids are bad enough. They should be forced into those endless, empty cycle lanes.
- People who change the music when you are driving. This might be an unforgivable offence.
- Leave such a small amount of milk in the fridge as to be invisible to the naked eye (just to be able to say, “I didn’t finish the milk”). Ditto very nearly empty petrol tank so that you spend the first half hour of your evening frantically trying to find a petrol station and it buggers up your timing and your mood.
- When someone shuts down all your tabs after borrowing your computer to Google something completely pointless. Did you really just do that?
- 9:40pm cinema booking. On a Tuesday. Your friend books because they want a leisurely dinner so they actually get to see you. First of all you agreed to the cinema because you don’t want to talk and you now know you won’t be home until after 1am. What is this, New Year’s Eve?
- Let’s say you admire someone’s outfit and you ask them where their jumper is from and they say, “I can’t remember.” And you think how can they not remember? How many clothes do you have? How rich are you? And no I don’t want to look at the label.
- When someone starts an anecdote with, “This is hilarious” and then they start laughing and can’t get the story out. And you are left standing there with a kind of rictus grin: if it was funny to begin with, it sure isn’t funny now.
- Laughing really loudly so you ask what’s funny and they say, “Nothing.”
- Standing on the left hand side of the escalator. Just, y’know, hanging out. Or maybe it’s a couple holding hands so you’re the Grinch who makes them ‘break’.
- Re-stacking of a dishwasher after you’ve loaded it. Aggressive.
- When you mention something you’ve seen on Instagram or Twitter and they ask to see it so you point your phone at them and they start flicking/scrolling. GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.
- Devising fancy dress themes that only work if you have the body of a Victoria Secret model i.e. Baywatch. (I’ll be the shark, then…)
- Why don’t you make yourself a cup of tea and leave the kettle empty? Go on.
- Calling when you’ve just texted them. If I had wanted to actually talk I would have called.
- Bcc’ing. What reason is there ever to do this other than being sneaky?
- Posting an #ootd on Instagram and then not saying where anything is from. #ootd is annoying enough. If you are going to share, SHARE.
- Stopping suddenly in the street. Leaving you to jolt to a halt, palms spread, going “WTF?”
- Picking expensive restaurants for casual midweek catch-up suppers, thus demonstrating their superior disposable income due to their better paid more grown-up job with a pension. Making it any later than 8pm earns double murderous points.
- Putting a phone on loudspeaker while being held in an interminable caller queue. Yes, we know you are in hell, but do we have to be in it too?
- Complaining about being poor as a humble brag. “Never buy a second house – total financial drain. Can’t even afford Verbier this year. We’re having to ski in Italy instead.”
- When people say, “I’ll leave after this tea” and everyone knows that herbal tea is hotter than lava. You are in for another 45 minutes. Do you showily pour in some cold water?
- “Is that new?” Say something nice or don’t say anything at all.
- Intakes of breath from the passenger seat.
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