tiny stress inducers, jack nicholson, the shining, stressful

17 more tiny stress inducers

  1. Theresa May laughing: It looks wrong. Not evil exactly but incredibly unnerving.
  2. Oh God the shower is going to overflow: Can I get this stuff out of my hair before the tide rises? Can I get the hair out of the drain while I’m getting the stuff out of my hair?
  3. You’ve used 80% of your data allowanceHow? What on? Instagram? Emails? What does that mean? Is my phone going to stop working? Suddenly? Out of the blue? Then what will I do? Do I need a new contract? What does it all mean? Why is nothing easy?
  4. Stranger kissing: Hang on a sec total stranger. I just stuck my arm out, like a lightning bolt, for a handshake. Why must we kiss? I don’t want to kiss. *goeslimp*
  5. Horizontal waist seam + zip: Great, so now I feel fat. And I’m sweating. This dress totally fits. Why is it booby-trapped at the back with this waist seam which is proving insurmountable for the zip. So I ask someone else to zip me. And they say, “It’ll go, it will…” in an encouraging tone. So now I feel even fatter.
  6. Rain. Hair: “It’s only a bit of weather,” they say. “You can sort your barnet out in the loo… with the hand dryer,” they say. The worst is when you’re with a new boyfriend and you have to pretend not to mind.
  7. Bread arriving on the table: Great so now I have to resist it. Oh go on then. What, no butter? Great, so now I have to ask for butter and broadcast my gluttony to the world.
  8. Auto-correct: Ducking hell.
  9. ‘Battery low’: Already? But it’s 10:53am. Do I want low power mode? I don’t know. Do I? Why isn’t it always on low power mode? Because it means I’ll get fewer notifications? Fewer pings? FINE.
  10. Here comes the sunRoots, toenails, chin hairs, pores, teeth, leg veins, upper arms.
  11. Leaving your diary at homeBut being unable to mention it (and the fact that you don’t know who you are or what your name is) because all people say is, “You still use an actual, physical diary?”
  12. The wheel of death: It just means your computer is thinking. Thinking so deeply that you will probably have to restart it and lose whatever you have been working on ALL DAY. And why is it optimistically rainbow coloured? This is not good news. It should be a throbbing skull and crossbones…
  13. Schedule: How do you pronounce it? shhhhhh or sk? Once this crosses your mind you can never say the word again without spittily stumbling.
  14. The doorbell ringing: WHAT NOW?
  15. Being asked for an electricity meter reading: Where is the meter? Under the stairs? It has many, many long numbers on it and I can’t really see anything and SPIDER!!!!
  16. ‘Now marinade for 24 hours’: But I did the shop at the petrol station on the way home from the tube and five people are arriving in 30 seconds and WHO ACTUALLY DOES THIS? And if they do ACTUALLY DO THIS then don’t they just forget that it’s in the fridge and rediscover it only once it’s grown legs and a soul?
  17. Frank Sinatra’s My WayThe message is so stupid.
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