- Laughing really loudly so you ask what’s funny and they say, “Nothing.”
- Standing on the left hand side of the escalator. Just, y’know, hanging out. Or maybe it’s a couple holding hands so you’re the Grinch who makes them ‘break’.
- Re-stacking of a dishwasher after you’ve loaded it. Aggressive.
- When you mention something you’ve seen on Instagram or Twitter and they ask to see it so you point your phone at them and they start flicking/scrolling. GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.
- Devising fancy dress themes that only work if you have the body of a Victoria Secret model i.e. Baywatch. (I’ll be the shark, then…)
- Why don’t you make yourself a cup of tea and leave the kettle empty? Go on.
- Calling when you’ve just texted them. If I had wanted to actually talk I would have called.
- Bcc’ing. What reason is there ever to do this other than being sneaky?
- Posting an #ootd on Instagram and then not saying where anything is from. #ootd is annoying enough. If you are going to share, SHARE.
- Stopping suddenly in the street. Leaving you to jolt to a halt, palms spread, going “WTF?”
- Picking expensive restaurants for casual midweek catch-up suppers, thus demonstrating their superior disposable income due to their better paid more grown-up job with a pension. Making it any later than 8pm earns double murderous points.
- Putting a phone on loudspeaker while being held in an interminable caller queue. Yes, we know you are in hell, but do we have to be in it too?
- Complaining about being poor as a humble brag. “Never buy a second house – total financial drain. Can’t even afford Verbier this year. We’re having to ski in Italy instead.”
- When people say, “I’ll leave after this tea” and everyone knows that herbal tea is hotter than lava. You are in for another 45 minutes. Do you showily pour in some cold water?
- “Is that new?” Say something nice or don’t say anything at all.
- Intakes of breath from the passenger seat.
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