Remember all those famous women we thought were insane? “What a bunch of nutters,” we crowed. Except, these days, are you secretly starting to feel a strange sort of affinity with them? A certain breed of sympathy and understanding? We are…?
She repeatedly called the NYPD when she left her phone in a deli, filed a $100m lawsuit against a company for using a talking baby called Lindsay in its adverts and now has a citizen-of-the-world accent for no reason. Sorry, but losing your phone would be enough to push anyone over the brink – veh, veh stressful, right?
Her and her demands for room temperature water. What an effing madam. Except no. You absorb room temperature water much more quickly whereas you expend energy absorbing cold water. “This is actually sensible!!!!” two of us shouted to each other at Midult HQ. “I think about this all the time and remember how I judged her for being impossible and now I think she was just being completely practical and healthy.”
There are few things more terrifying in life than the thought of what Barbra Streisand must be like to tour with. Barbra has a famously short fuse. And she keeps rooms full of dolls at her house, which surely means the next step will be human bodies. But this is a woman we might channel when it’s full moon and we are permanently outraged and unreasonably demanding. Thank you Barbra for leading the way.
She lobbed her phone at her PA, ‘total psycho’ we all thought. Now picture how you feel when you’re on a raging insomnia rollover. Think about this. It is borderline insane, isn’t it? You want to throw your phone at anyone and everyone. Maybe she just wasn’t sleeping. Maybe someone said, “You look tired.”
Poor Britney. Remember when she stopped wearing knickers and shaved her head and everyone said she was on crack? It all seemed very off-brand from the Mickey Mouse Club, gym-loving Southern Belle we’d all come to know and love. Except this was a woman under immense stress. A broken marriage, two small children, pressure at work. It’s a miracle we haven’t all reached for the electric hair clippers.
Mariah Carey used to have an assistant who walked backwards in front of her at all times in case she fell over. Madness, we all tutted. Until loaded with bags after a quick nip into Waitrose that turned into a major shop and it started raining and your phone started ringing and you realised it was a conference call you’d forgotten about and you had to answer it and all this and you’re wearing heels and if only you had someone to catch you. Just catch you… is that so much to ask?
Rumour has it that Geri went through a spell of living under her bed. Her assistant would even have to get down on all fours and hand her the post in the mornings before she’d agree to come out. “That’ll learn her for leaving the Spice Girls,” you might once have thought – until now, when living under your bed seems a) not only like a good idea but b) possibly the only option.
Cher specifies on tour that she will only drink out of black cups. Yes, you can laugh – but be honest, have you or have you not found yourself in a conversation about the criteria for your favourite cup? You don’t like the thick rimmed ones, you like them thin. And not too big. But also not too small. We are all Cher.
If you expect Kris Jenner to tackle more than six stairs at a time, you’re in trouble because she just won’t. Let’s give her a break. The woman has six out-of-control kids and a business empire to run, she’s exhausted. And stairs are a bore.
From vaginal steaming to anal sex guides to trying to flog you a $15,000 dildo made of gold “because you can’t put a price on pleasure”, Gwyneth Paltrow has given us Goop, a world more mad than Alice’s Wonderland. Although have you tried her vegan risotto recipe? It’s really good. And while ‘conscious uncoupling’ might have made everyone LOL, she does seem to have gone through the most civilised divorce of all time.