notting hill, julia roberts, dinner party, freak people out, weird dinner party behaviour

10 ways to freak people out at a dinner party

  1. Turn up two hours late. Apologise profusely. Leave five minutes later.
  2. Bring your own food. Invent a diet name like the Ten-Step or the Meghan Markle Metabolise and say it is the latest fad from Los Angeles. Proceed to chew and then spit out everything without swallowing. Make bold claims that you have never felt more energised or confident.
  3. Start eating from someone else’s plate. If they question you about it, get a bit annoyed and ask them how they intend to get on in life if their world-view does not include sharing with their fellow man.
  4. If you’re going to a dinner party where you don’t know anyone, repeat their name after every introduction, looking at your host with raised eyebrows and saying, “Oh, OK – you’re THAT Annabel. Riiiiiight. I see what they mean…
  5. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know, tell them you’re a wizard. If they laugh, pat them on the hand and say, “Every time you laugh at a wizard, you get five years bad sex, but from what I’ve heard, you’ve already learnt that lesson.”
  6. Throw a drink over yourself every time someone says, “Brexit.”
  7. Turn up in a full-length ball gown. When you are introduced to people, offer them your hand to kiss. If they don’t do it, look disapproving and say, “Look here, I don’t make the rules, OK, but protocols must be observed or this country will go to rack and ruin.”
  8. Take a large mouthful of water and then attempt to put each candle out one by one by jetting water at them from your mouth. Stand up shouting, “She shoots, she scores!” every time you hit one.
  9. Pretend to fall fast asleep at the table. Do not respond to any kind of attempts to wake you up. Just start muttering things like, “Look what the cold has done to them, Geoffrey – they’re half the size!”
  10. Ask for a menu.
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