functional member of society, dry shampoo, caffeine, concealer

10 ways to seem like a functional member of society

1. Put on make-up

This might be the last thing you feel like doing and is undoubtedly on your list of zero fucks given when it comes to priorities, but it’ll lift your spirits. The ritual of it is a nice thing to do for yourself – plus feeling like you’ve made a bit of an effort helps you actually make a bit of an effort. Make-up is armour. Don’t let the bastards drag you down.

2. Get a black cab

Getting a black cab these days is practically like taking yourself off to Claridge’s for the night, it’s so decadent. If you’re having a tough day, let a black cab take you home. They know where they’re going and they won’t give you a poor rating because you didn’t want to talk.

3. Order a takeaway

Staring at an empty fridge is enough to push anyone over the edge, so swerve the whole ball-ache of having to get all Ready Steady Cook with your single egg, half-empty jar of Tom Yum paste and tin of chick peas and just get a takeaway. Let someone else do the thinking – and cooking.

4. Go and get a blow dry

Good hair, do care. Even the process of having it washed and dried is both relaxing and cheering. You can read OK! and not answer your phone for an hour. Bliss.

5. Be amongst other humans

Get out of the house and interact with other members of your species. Ask them about themselves/what they thought of the final episode of Big Little Lies/who they’ve recently followed on Instagram. The important questions.

6. Make a 90s playlist

In moments of crisis, ask yourself, “What would Madonna do?” You may also be surprised to discover that, when triggered, you remember the Vogue routine better than you thought

7. Open a bottle of champagne.

Instantly mood-improving. Trick your brain into thinking you’re celebrating something. Like getting dressed. Or imagine you’re married to Uhtred in The Last Kingdom. There are so many things to be thankful for in life.

8. Put on some expensive jewellery

No one can bring down a woman in diamonds. It’s against universal law.

9. Hand-write someone a letter

So yes, your hand might fall off because it is so unused to writing with a pen these days, but why not get all The Crown and sit down to write someone a letter instead of sending an email. A letter. With paper. And an actual pen that has ink. Civilised.

10. Make your bed

There’s only room in this world for one Tracy Emin. Make your bed as soon as you get up, so you can avoid the depressing sight of walking into a room with an unmade bed in it. It works.

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