13 going on 30, fashion disasters, 90s fashion, awful outfits, throw away, wardrobe clearout

10 things in your wardrobe you should probably throw away

1. Designer sale shoes

If sales weren’t such competitive environments, you might not find yourself the proud owner of three pairs of Jimmy Choos, all of which cost £60, two of which are two sizes too small. Sales are the human equivalent of throwing raw meat to piranhas. You’ve never worn them. You physically can’t wear them. You don’t even like them that much.

2. The plaid shirt

You thought it made you look adorable, possibly even rather sexy like Daisy Duke. Actually it just makes you look a bit violent. Like one of the toothless hillbillies in Deliverance coupled with the undeniable masculinity of Burt Reynolds.

3. Too sexy underwear

Remember that moment of strange otherness, where you got a bit drunk and ordered yourself some *slightly* sexy underwear online. And when it arrived, you tried to talk yourself out of the knowledge that it gave you double-boob and a truly brutal and unflattering wedgie? You’ve never worn it – but there it sits, staring at you in all your failure.

4. An ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt

The one that’s been washed so many times it is baby soft and looks vintage. The one you slept in while he was away. The one you were wearing when he cried for the first time because his PowerPoint crashed or the time he couldn’t get it up or the time he told that creepy story about how good-looking his sister was and you started to go off him.

5. The whore dress

That dress so short, you give the world a LOOK AT ME view of your vagina. Or the backless dress that was, to be honest, slightly frontless too so no chance of a bra. When were you that person? (And how do you find her again?)

6. Terrible handbags

The fake Fendi baguette with the lollipop in the pocket denoting the fact that you haven’t used it since you last went clubbing and that was during Queen Victoria’s reign. The Dior saddlebag in pink that made you look like a venomous estate agent.

7. The military overcoat with too many flaps and buttons

Sorry, are you part of Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation? Did you try to defend enemy lines and fight back Napoleon’s armies during the Battle of Borodino? Are you Kenneth Branagh in Dunkirk? Are you one of the ‘Revolutionary Nuns’ tasked with the private protection of Colonel Gaddafi?

8. The cheap high street gypsy top

OK, you’re not 12 and you’re not a gypsy. Time to come to terms with both of those things. Perhaps.

9. Stupidly high heels

The heels so high you they make you walk like you’re recovering from a double hip replacement.

10. The jumper you shouldn’t keep washing

That cashmere one you couldn’t be arsed to get dry cleaned and washed on cold so that it emerged as a crop top.

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