leslie mann, this is 40, toilet, bathroom, loo, sitting on loo, thinking, wandering thoughts

Things we think about on the loo

  1. “I was here ten minutes ago. Is it normal for a human bladder to be the size of a lentil?” When the peeing is on repeat and you can’t understand it or make it stop.
  2. “Does it matter if I cancel my wax appointment for the second time this month?” When you know you should tackle the forest but you can’t be doing with the pain and the faff and that’s what bigger knickers are for anyway, isn’t it?
  3. Did I buy a Euro Millions lottery ticket for today? If I did, why can’t I remember that I did? Where did I put it? What if I win and I don’t know because I don’t know where I put it or even if I have it at all? Is this early onset Alzheimer’s? Will I only be answering to the name of ‘lemon’ by the end of the year?”
  4. “Am I drinking too much water? Am I going to end up overdosing like Anthony Andrews that time he drank eight litres in one day because it was hot and then collapsed?” When you start to think that even water is bad for you.
  5. “Wait, why has my last Instagram post only had two likes? I posted it ten minutes ago and it’s STILL just that guy I was at primary school with and the weird girl I don’t know very well who compulsively likes all my posts, which doesn’t count?” #disappointing
  6. “Is my parking running out???”
  7. “If someone were to walk in right now, they would see me naked.” When you are in full force jumpsuit strip-down mode and you are sitting with your boobs out and no clothes on just so you can pee.
  8. “Why is the person in the next door cubicle peeing so quietly? Do they think they are peeing next door to a shire horse? What if we come out of our cubicles at the same time and I am silently judged by her when I am unable to explain that I was absolutely desperate and had been holding it in for over an hour?” Social peeing anxiety.
  9. “What if Donald Trump wins a second term? What if the Bermuda Triangle really *is* cursed?”
  10. “If I have a micro sleep that turns into a full blown sleep by accident and I have to be busted out of this cubicle because they think I’ve died? I’m not wearing knickers that really represent who I am today, this is so unfair and misleading.”
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