satan, devil, south park, hell

10 things.. that are 90% hell

Justin Bieber has declared that Instagram is “90% hell.” He is a wise old man. Here are some other things that reek of brimstone:

  1. Christmas present buying: A combination of time, debt, effort and disappointment. You have to decide what people are worth to you/how much you want to impress them. At least you get presents back. Which you largely hate.
  2. Airports: The most natural contraceptive because every child is repellent. (Even yours. Especially yours.) Combined with them trying to take money from you at every turn. Add to that some sinister herding humiliation.
  3. Group Whatsapp: Relentless. Late at night. Demands replies. Men. Work. Stuff. Just leave me alone. But don’t leave me out.
  4. A bikini wax: This can’t be right. But we do it. Sex or holiday or both at the end. But still.
  5. Waking up at 4am: Only good thing about it? It’s not 3am.
  6. Nativity plays: All parents are arseholes. They barge and coo and get in the damn way with grim determination. They are like the drivers on the road who don’t say thank you when you give way. Bastards.
  7. Bras: What’s good about them? Taking the buggers off at the end of the day.
  8. Feelings: Content is alright. The rest are rubbish. Even happiness is unnerving because what goes up…
  9. Chocolate: Because you spend 90% more time feeling bad about eating it than actually eating it. And then it keeps you up at night – see point 5.
  10. Pay by Phone parking: Marvellous not to hoard pound coins, until it crashes and won’t load and freezes and makes you re-enter your card details and makes you three minutes late when you were 20 minutes early and did your make-up in the car.
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