You used to think your parents were brutal and insane. Turns out they were actually GENIUSES.
1. You are not going to that party
Not having to stand in a crowded room with people you don’t know and music too loud and nowhere to sit and oh, look, there’s your ex with his new girlfriend who was born in 1987 and God my feet hurt. Damn.
2. You are not leaving the house
You don’t have to think about make-up. Or keys. Or taking the car or not taking the car. Or where your phone is and what the weather’s like and will I have to socially interact with people and what if I just want a nap because I’m not sleeping and I don’t want to put my shoes on ever again or sit up, let alone stand up? Shame.
3. You are going to bed early
4. You are banned from the phone
You can’t be shouted at by your sister or have lengthy discussions about whether your friend should join Tinder. You don’t have to find the moral fibre to not check your emails at midnight or try and work out how you pause Instagram stories because they’re just too damn quick to read. Really sad about that.
5. Go to your room and read
6. You have to be home by 10pm
You at a drinks thing you forced yourself to go to because of a duty/FOMO combo and there’s all that chat about mortgages and investment properties that have nothing to do with you and Christ, you’re tired – sorry, but it’s now 9.30 and you HAVE to go because you’ve got this curfew. Not your fault or your choice.
7. Your boyfriend has to sleep in the spare room
Oh no. You have to sleep in your own bed. With room to stretch your legs out or switch on the light if you feel like it or thrash about a bit. The temperature isn’t volcanic because of that extra body. You can have the window open if you want. No one is breathing loudly or flinging their jerky arms about. How will you cope?
8. Cover yourself up
Not allowed to wear that thin strappy dress that looks like it’s made of tissue and is flatteringly but uncomfortably tight. Have to wear this cosy jumper instead. Sad to no longer be freezing or anxious about flashing your vagina when you cross your legs.
In the middle of the afternoon? To calm down? That’s going to be so unpleasant.
You’ve been very naughty. Now you’re going to find out what happens to naughty girls who don’t listen. Sounds appalling.