it's going to be a perfect day, tempting fate, serene sea, blue sky

10 appalling fate tempters

  1. “It looks like the plane is going to be on time.” Hopefully somebody won’t remind you seven hours later that you said this when you’re still in departures and trying to go to sleep on the seats.
  2. “Yes, we’ve been fighting a lot recently but he wants to talk tonight and I feel certain he’s going to propose.” Better take the champagne out of the fridge again.
  3. “Pretty sure I’ve got a handle on my insomnia now.” That’s you awake for a solid five hours.
  4. “Going to watch the first episode of House of Cards and then I’m going to go and meditate and read some Sylvia Plath.” Two days later and you haven’t left the sofa…
  5. I’ve joined a gym. Nothing will ever get in the way between and me and the treadmill.” Why don’t you just stop someone in the street and give them £1,000?
  6. I’m giving up drinking. I no longer need it my life. I am fine. FINE.” Might as well check yourself into the Priory right now.
  7. “The last time we shagged was years ago. That’s all over now. I don’t need to wax.” Cue your ex-boyfriend turning up to dinner suddenly looking like Ryan Gosling (how come you never noticed that before?) and wanting to reminisce about the happiest period of his life i.e. when you were his girlfriend.
  8. The last time we shagged was years ago. That’s all over now. I can wear my spanx, no problem.” Cue your ex-boyfriend turning up to dinner looking like Ryan Gosling – and then leaving again four hours later because you are both hammered and you’ve had a row because no one could get the Spanx down.
  9. My rent hasn’t increased in five years.” Suddenly your landlord needs a new roof and you have had to move back with your parents.
  10. “I don’t put on weight, I can eat what I like.” Hang on. These jeans feel a bit snug. Can’t really bend my knees in them. Now sitting in a chair looking like a pencil that’s been leant against a step. Was that the sound of tearing?
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